Unforgiveness – The Elephant In the Room

by Rex Rouis

The following is an audio discussion of this article:

There’s an elephant in the room, and it might be in you. Don’t look around or point to anyone else. If you recognize it, don’t ignore it. Deal with it now. You are able. This elephant – unforgiveness – is dangerous, and it needs to go. Let’s take a moment to see what the Scriptures say about it.

“Pray, then, in this way: ‘Our Father who is in heaven, Hallowed be Your name. ‘Your kingdom come. Your will be done, On earth as it is in heaven. ‘Give us this day our daily bread. ‘And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. ‘And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Matthew 6:9-13

This is one rendering of the Lord’s Prayer. Notice how it says we are forgiven ‘as’ we forgive those who owe us – our debtors. Hold on to that thought, because the next verse explains it even further.

For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. Matthew 6:14-15

As Christians, we rely on God’s forgiveness through the incredible work of our Lord on the Cross – and rightfully so. But here’s the sobering truth: it clearly says that if we don’t forgive others, He will not forgive us. He will not forgive us. Let that sink in. That’s a serious statement.

I don’t want to stand before Almighty God in an unforgiven state. What would that even mean? That’s not a place anyone would want to find themselves.

It’s worth noting that the phrase “will not forgive you” appears only in the Gospels, but not in the Epistles. The letter writers of the New Testament don’t take the admonition that far. Even so, it’s evident to all that we must avoid unforgiveness at all costs. Let’s explore another verse together.

Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses. Mark 11:24-26 KJV

Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions.” Mark 11:25-26 NASB

God tells us that when we pray, we must be in a state of forgiveness. The strong implication is that if we hold on to unforgiveness, God will not answer our prayers. That’s important, don’t you think? It’s not something to take lightly. How many times have you wondered why God hasn’t answered your prayer, only to fall back on that tired old concept that He simply chooses to answer some and not others? But maybe it’s not Him. Maybe He’s working according to His will and His Word. Maybe it’s you. Could you be the elephant in the room? Look at this:

Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged, and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon and you will be pardoned. Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you in return.” Luke 6:36-38

Wow, whatever we dish out, we’ll get back. If you cut off grace for others, grace will be cut off from you. That’s serious, friends. So, now we know that unforgiveness is a big problem, but what is it?

HE WILL NOT FORGIVE US.
In simple terms, unforgiveness is hoping someone gets “what they deserve.” It’s the desire to see someone who you feel has wronged you pay the price for their actions. But let’s be clear: being angry at someone isn’t the same as unforgiveness. The Bible encourages us to address our anger by communicating directly with the person. Don’t let it fester in silence, allowing it to turn into bitterness and unforgiveness.

Not trusting someone is not the same as unforgiveness. If someone has wronged you, it’s not only acceptable but wise to withhold trust until they have shown themselves trustworthy again. Unforgiveness is not recognizing that someone did something wrong in your eyes. It’s taking it a step further—wishing they would pay for it.

But here’s the truth: you are not their God. God is their God, and He will handle it. Here’s a thought that might help: nobody gets away with anything. God will judge all things in the end. That’s why He says, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Your job is to leave the matter with Him and move forward. But watch out, don’t hope that God ‘gets them.’ That too is a big no-no.

For the Son of Man is going to come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and WILL THEN REPAY EVERY MAN ACCORDING TO HIS DEEDS. Matthew 16:27

As the old song says, choose to “walk on the sunny side of the street.” Anything less is not trusting God or loving His creation. Don’t grab the reins – let God rule the world, including your small part of it. Whatever God decides to do with them is His business, not yours. Let that truth settle in. When you do, the elephant of unforgiveness will finally disappear.

Deal with it now. You are able.
For over 10 years, I’ve had to walk in faith against a life-threatening sickness. Through this journey, I’ve learned just how much unforgiveness can wreak havoc on your faith. It’s been crucial for me to walk in forgiveness every single day – no exceptions. Unforgiveness doesn’t just harm your spirit; it can also hurt your body and even block your healing. Friends, it’s a killer. As the old saying goes, “Don’t drink the poison hoping someone else will die.”

I could say more. I could discuss the impossibility of achieving perfect justice in this complicated, fallen world. That’s why we must leave it in God’s hands.

Let it go. You’ll feel lighter. Your relationships will improve. Your walk with God will deepen. Your faith and prayers will be restored. The Bible will come alive to you again. Even the air will seem fresher, and the sunshine brighter. But here’s the hard truth: only you can do it. The elephant is in the room, and we all see it. So go ahead – kick it out. You’ll be glad you did. We love you.

Comments

  1. Does unforgiveness mean I lose my salvation. I’ve forgiven people in my life through prayer, but they will not speak to me so I can’t forgive them face to face. Through prayer, I tell God I forgive them but I don’t feel it in my heart. How do I let go of the anger and hurt?

    1. Author

      Diane,

      I honestly don’t know. If you would have asked me a while back, I would have said, no. But the more I think about it, I am honestly not quite so sure. I will say this – this a phrase “will not forgive you” is not in the Epistles, only in the Gospels. The writers do not go to that next step.

      But if you are worried about it, that is a really good sign that you earnestly do not want to be in unforgiveness. You want to obey God. It does not matter what you feel like. It does not require you to forgive them formally or face to face. Just choose to forgive in your heart and when the thoughts come up say, “No, I have forgiven them and that all there is to it.” Pray for them, they need it. As you do, your anger and hurt will turn to empathy, mercy, and the feelings will dissipate over time. They will. We sure love you. Rex

  2. I have been in Pastoral ministry for over 50 years now, and recently retired, but still working for the kingdom to come on earth as it is in Heaven. I am continually amazed at how Christians misunderstand forgiveness. Your article explained the scripture’s meaning perfectly. Love and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin. John tells us in 1John4:20; “Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen.”
    They answer thus about this verse, “Well, I love him, but I don’t have to like him.” This shows an ignorance of the word of God.
    So many people are counting on Christ’s grace to cover their sins, thinking that a few moments in prayer with tears will be enough to cover even unforgiveness. Many are in danger of being committed to the line of goats at the judgment, Thank you for this timely article. I hope it reaches many.

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